No Good Deed
by whosaidwhat
Summary: In honor of their return to the manga, Phinks, Feitan, Franklin, and Nobunaga do their best to perform good deeds.


Although the sun was high and bright in the sky, the alley was dark and empty when they arrived. There was not a soul to be found, be it animal or human, as if the denizens of the alley had sensed the impending arrival of a great evil.

Feitan slunk, silent and hateful, his small form hunched down to match his ever-present ill temper. Narrowed eyes paid no attention to the darkness, and his bandana covered his face, concealing any other expressions from leaking out.

Franklin moved like a glacier, calm, slow, and enormous. His elongated earlobes swayed from side to side as he walked, though the shadows hid the rest of his scarred body from view. His enormous frame barely fit down the narrower parts of the alley.

Phinks arrived with all of his usual confidence and panache, some stray beam of light finding a way to glint off of his golden headpiece. He walked with a smirk and a malicious glint in his beady black eyes.

And Nobunaga strolled with practiced nonchalance, hand resting casually on his sheathed sword. His hair was down around his face, and his lidded eyes gave no indication of interest toward any of his surroundings. Fire and fury, barely hidden behind a tranquil veil.

Together, they could have killed half the neighborhood before the authorities were any the wiser. Fortunately, that was not their intention today.

Their dramatic arrival was ruined somewhat when Franklin, attempting to squeeze through a particularly narrow opening, knocked over a group of rusty garbage cans, spilling their rancid contents out into the alley.

* * *

After much cursing and finger pointing, the four members of the Phantom Troupe had reconvened at the end of wider, cleaner street.

Phinks spoke first. "Nobu, Franklin. It's been a long time. I'd say it feels like it's been fifteen years since I last saw you guys."

Feitan glanced up at his partner, looking confused. "Fifteen years? Why you say that? Don't be an idiot."

Phinks shrugged. "It's just what came to mind."

"It is oddly specific." Franklin rumbled, looking thoughtful.

Nobunaga scratched his chin wisely. "You're almost correct Phinks. I would say it feels more like thirteen years since I've last seen you and Fei."

Phinks slouched down and waved his hand. "Ah, go to hell, all of you."

Franklin and Feitan shook their heads, Nobunaga just grinned. "So are we all clear on the rules?"

"Steal something. Do something nice. Simple."

Nobunaga grimaced. "Always such a way with words Fei."

Franklin put an enormous hand on his the swordsman's shoulder. "But he's right. We have to steal something and perform a kind deed with whatever we steal. Whoever performs the best deed wins. Who's first?"

Phinks stepped forward into a patch of sunlight that peaked through the clouds above. His eyes glinted almost as brightly as his golden headpiece. "That would be me."

* * *

Franklin, Nobunaga, and Feitan waited patiently outside of the clothing store. Inside, employees shouted and alarms blared. Even as they watched, a security guard came flying through the glass front of the shop, no doubt tossed by their erstwhile companion.

Feitan stifled a yawn. "Is he almost done in there?"

As if on cue, Phinks strolled out of the front door of the ruined shop. Folded neatly in his arms was the latest Gucci jacket. He smiled proudly as he reached them.

"Ah, Phinks," Nobunaga said, "you know we're not stealing for ourselves today, right? We're meant to give these away."

Phinks scowled at him. "I know, bastard." And he led the little group away several blocks, while sirens and shouts congregated at the store behind them. Finally, he stopped on a relatively quiet, run-down street. Phinks motioned for his companions to wait, then walked up to a particularly disheveled looking homeless person sitting on the side of the road. Phinks kneeled down beside him, whispering a few words that none of the others could hear, before giving him the Gucci jacket and walking back across the street. The homeless person stared at him as he left, then looked down at the jacket.

"What is a beggar going to do with a Gucci jacket?" Nobunaga asked as Phinks returned.

Franklin nodded seriously. "It will just make him look like he's faking being homeless. I suppose he could sell it. But why not just give him money in that case?"

"Or someone could steal it." Feitan grinned below them.

Phinks just glared at them angrily. "No, no. You don't get it at all. You've got to look the part to get the part! With a nice jacket like that, he'll be able to get a job, or a loan, or whatever it is normal people use to survive!"

Franklin and Nobunaga looked nonplussed at this spectacular turn of logic. Feitan just chuckled. "The beggar is peeing on your jacket."

"WHAT!" Phinks whipped his head around. Sure enough, the homeless man had placed the brand new, Gucci jacket on the ground and was relieving himself on it.

"Oh, you little shit!"

* * *

"Well that could have gone better." Nobunaga stroked his scraggly beard.

Franklin lumbered along beside him, his elongated ears swaying from side to side with each step. He nodded in agreement.

Feitan slunk along on Franklin's other side, still looking quite amused with the whole ordeal.

And behind them all sulked Phinks.

"Anyway!" The lanky swordsman looked up decisively. "It's my turn."

"Oh, this should be good." Feitan said, nudging Franklin's knee.

Nobunaga ignored him and led the Troupe to his target, a large Bank of Saherta downtown.

"I'm going to cut into their vault, take all the money I can carry, and go give it to a charity." Nobunaga proudly declared.

"Not very creative" grumbled Phinks from behind them.

Franklin ignored him. "Sounds good. Get to work."

Nobunaga grinned confidently and strode forward toward the bank. He kicked open the double doors and dramatically unsheathed his sword. "Everyone remain calm. This is a robbery."

A security guard, young, cocky, and armed with a much more practical gun, looked at the sword, unimpressed.

"Son," Nobunaga said, pointing his sword at him, "don't even think about it."

The security guard ignored his helpful advice, and moved to grab the gun from its holster.

Nobunaga's sword slashed through the air, faster than anyone in the bank could follow, and a moment later, the gun, as well as the offending hand, spun gracefully through the air, before landing and skidding across the marbled floor of the bank.

Now people began to scream, cowering away from the Spider.

Nobunaga sighed, looking regretfully at the security guard clutching the stump where his hand used to be. "I did try and warn you." Then he shrugged off his gloom, and sauntered over to the register, fully expecting there to be no more resistance.

He was surprised, therefor, to find a thin child in blue overalls barring his way to the register, arms crossed. The boy had dark eyes and an afro that towered above his short frame.

Nobunaga stared down the boy. "Move it, brat. I don't want to hurt any kids today."

The kid continued to stare at him darkly.

"Come on kid, where are your parents. Why don't you go cower with them, huh?"

The boy uncrossed his arms, fists balled. "You're trying to steal the money from this bank. My families money is in this bank. I can't let you."

Nobunaga's eyes widened. "You're going to stand up to me? A grown-up who could cut you to ribbons before you could blink?"

The boy nodded.

Nobunaga stepped forward, looming over the child. "To protect the people important to you?"

The boy nodded again, looking at the would-be-robber uncertainly. "Are you crying?"

* * *

"Oh what the hell?" Phinks exclaimed as Nobunaga emerged from the bank, not with the money he had gone to steal, but towing a child behind him instead. "What's this Nobu?"

Nobunaga waved his free hand at his comrades. "Now just hear me out…"

Feitan sniffed disdainfully. "Why you steal a kid? This not a good deed."

Franklin nodded. "Fei's right, kidnapping is pretty much the opposite of what we're trying to accomplish today."

Nobunaga pulled the kid up to stand beside him. "You guys don't understand! He's got the right qualities for the Troupe! We can recruit him. I'd feed him, and train him, and…"

"Not this again." Feitan sighed exasperatedly, as Phinks held his head in his hands.

Franklin stepped up and put his hand on Nobunaga's shoulder. "Nobu, I know you miss Uvo-"

"That's not what this is about! I think he could be a good addition!"

"But," Franklin continued, ignoring him, "we don't have time to drag a kid around and train him right now. Don't you remember? The boss said we are going to have a job soon. The biggest one we've ever pulled. As soon as he's done dealing with Hisoka."

Nobunaga looked like he wanted to protest further, but a look into Franklin's eyes stopped him.

Nobunaga sighed deeply, but let go of the kid. "You're right. You're right Franklin."

"Touching." Feitan smirked beneath his bandanna, "but you failed. Let's go. It's my turn."

Phinks nodded in agreement, and the group trudged off after their shortest member. Leaving a thoroughly alarmed and confused kid standing on the side of the street as sirens converged around him.

* * *

Feitan led the group away from the hospital, hands in his pockets, eyes staring forward, emotionless. Trailing behind him, Nobunaga, Phinks, and Franklin shot glances at each other.

"I suppose… I can see why one would think that was a kind deed." Nobunaga rubbed the back of his head, looking uncomfortable.

Franklin frowned. "I guess it's the thought that counts."

Phinks turned his gaze back ahead, toward his partner. "I think maybe Fei didn't quite get the point of this completion."

Franklin cocked his head. "Stealing someone's organs was certainly inventive."

Phinks narrowed his eyes. "But you didn't really need to torture him that much did you? You just wanted to have a little fun. Honestly Fei…"

Nobunaga continued to look uncomfortable. "And giving the organs to a hospital… I'm not sure they can even use those. Don't they need to know the blood type? And make sure that they don't have any diseases?"

Phinks nodded seriously. "That would explain why the nurses weren't very grateful. I don't think that one should count. What do you guys- "

Feitan whirled around to face his comrades, his black hair and clothes sweeping through the air around him. His eyes burned with anger. "What was wrong? I stole something. I did good deed. Stop whining."

With that the diminutive thief whipped back around and stomped away down the street. The other three Troupe members remained standing where they were.

"Anyway!" Phinks clapped his hands together. "Franklin, that just leaves you!"

* * *

Feitan, Nobunaga, and Phinks watched in silence as Franklin lumbered toward the schoolyard, where they could see several large groups of children at play. No one had moved to stop the scarred giant when he had walked into a florist's, grabbed several large bouquets, and walked out. Few people ever did try and stop him, Phinks thought.

"Makes me a bit uncomfortable," Nobunaga commented, "lurking outside a school like this."

Phinks glanced at his smaller partner and grinned evilly. "It's alright Nobu. If anyone asks we can just say we're dropping our little Fei-Fei off for school and- ow, dammit, stop. Fei. Quit it!"

Nobunaga rolled his eyes and ignored the duo as Feitan began trying very hard to stab Phinks in the side. Franklin was approaching the first group of schoolchildren. However, at seeing the hulking, scar-covered giant approaching them, the children screamed and scattered, running in all directions to get away from him. Franklin paused for a moment, then changed directions for the next pack of children. They too ran screaming at the sight of him. He paused again, for a long time. Finally, he turned toward the last group. One would think they would have noticed all the commotion, but they were apparently too distracted by whatever they were doing. This turned out to be bullying a small girl at the center of their circle.

* * *

"Come on Spotty, stop crying already. He didn't even hit you that hard." One of the boys said, hands on hips.

The girl looked up sniffling. "My name's Carrie." Several large birthmarks dotted the left side of her tear-stained face.

"You'd think she couldn't get any uglier, but her crying face is just horrible." A girl to the left commented snidely.

"Maybe we should give 'er a few more spots." A large, ringleader type boy cracked his knuckles. It was only then that the children noticed the enormous shadow falling over them. Together, they turned to face the hulking Franklin.

Franklin said nothing. Just popped the tips off his fingers and opened fire.

Of course, the ammo was just the flowers he had stolen earlier, stuffed into his concealed weapons. Still, while not lethal, they did pack quite a punch, and sent the offending youths screaming and crying away from him.

As suddenly as it started, the barrage ended. Dust thrown up from the bombardment settled and swayed in the still evening air, revealing only two silhouettes. The shadow of a child, tiny and scared, kneeling before a mountainous figure. For a moment, Franklin seemed grand, like an ancient fortress, proud to have protected its citizens once more. Then the dust settled, revealing his scars, his detached finger tips, and his murderer's eyes.

Carrie flinched back with a strangled squeak. Franklin still didn't say anything, just bent over, extending one hand. The girl's eyes grew even wider as the enormous, strange hands approached her, but she didn't run.

Franklin extended a single finger, gun still open, to the girl, and one last flower popped out, gently, to land in the girl's lap.

Carrie stared down at it. Franklin turned and began stomping away.

"Thank you sir."

Franklin paused, but did not turn around. He kept walking, to where Phinks, Feitan, and Nobunaga were lurking, and walked right on by, leading his comrades away from the schoolyard, empty save one lonely girl.

* * *

"Who won?" Feitan asked, as the group trudged a lonely path into the desert outside the city. Their walk had been made mostly in silence since Franklin had completed his good deed, which suited the stoic thief just fine. However, he wanted to know if he had won their contest.

Nobunaga and Phinks glanced at each other. "Well," Phinks started, "Nobu definitely didn't. You didn't even compete your task, you just ended up kidnapping some kid."

The swordsman bristled. "Well, it's not like you did any better. You beat up the person you were supposed to be helping for 'misusing' your gift."

Phinks winced at the memory of the Gucci jacket.

Feitan perked up. "Well I-"

"No!" Nobunaga and Phinks groaned simultaneously. They glanced at each other, before Phinks looked back at his partner and shook his head. "Just no Fei."

Feitan looked at the ground pointedly. "Stupid game anyway."

"That just leaves you big guy." Phinks clapped Franklin on the back. "Congrats. You were the only one able to perform any sort of good deed today, even if it was only just for one person."

The foursome walked in silence for a while after that. The sun sank behind them, casting their shadows out over the dunes and valleys of the desert.

"I think…" Franklin finally spoke. The others looked at him intently. "I think, that we are not very good at performing these kinds of good deeds."

No one had any answers to that. They just continued to walk, silent, on their way to perform whatever acts of violence and theft their boss thought of next. That was what they were truly good at anyway.


End file.
